Selfish
by jennarod
Summary: "Sorry... It seemed like she had been saying that a lot lately." Broken promises, broken heart, broken trust. This is Edward and Bella's vulnerable love. AU.


**Disclaimer: I don't own shit :-(**

 _I promise you, I haven't given up on 'Why Don't We Start Over', I just have kinda lost what I'm trying to do with that one. Just taking time to figure out how I'm going to continue that one._

 _Time: Mid-Eclipse, in Edward's POV_

 _Any and all mistakes are mine._

* * *

 _Hi… this is Bella… Um, leave a message after the beep…_

I stood still, not moving and inch and stared at the picture of her and I on the screen. I was missing her, despite the fact that she had been gone for merely three hours.

But that was three eons for me. Especially when she was with him.

"It's fine, Edward, she just wants sometime to hang out with him. He's her best friend," Alice said, from her seat on my bed across from my stiff stance by my desk.

 _Her best friend that loved her…_

I couldn't help the pang of jealousy that hit me like a ton of bricks. The sight of her with someone else; happy and living a normal life was crushing, as selfish as it was. I had no room to complain, however. The months I left her were all on me. And now this was all on me. The fact that she was in danger was all on me. And at the end of the day, it would _always_ be on me.

"Besides, I've been bombarding her with make overs. Even _I_ can say that a girl needs a break," she chuckled. But it sounded like she was trying to convince herself more than me.

She had been going to see him more often now that they were on good terms. And if I was being honest, watching her drive off with him on his little bicycle was gut wrenching. But yet again, it was on me. I had lied to her, to keep her safe when I should have just told her the truth. I did that often… I was working on it.

I hadn't noticed Alice had moved from her spot on my bed and in front of me, "Edward, relax. He's her best friend and she'll be back. Go do something to get your mind off of that subject." She smiled and patted my shoulder smiling.

But still, I didn't know how I could shake the feeling.

 _How selfish of me?_

* * *

"Did you have fun, beautiful?" I asked her, plastering a smile on my face.

"Yes," she chuckled, "we walked around the reservation. It was relaxing," she said smiling.

And cue the knife in my non-existent heart, with my reassuring smile on my face.

"I'm glad you had fun. Do you want to go somewhere tonight? Maybe we could go to the movies and eat after that?"

"Well… I've never tried a mountain lion, but I'm open to the idea," she teased quietly.

"Hardy har har, Bella. Come on, let me take you out," I said, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Actually, I'm kind of tired. Me and Jake were running around everywhere and I just want to lay down in my bed," she said softly. Surely she was trying to lighten the blow. She knew how hard it was for me to listen to her adventures with him.

She could go and take walks with him; she could 'run around with him' and joke and laugh with him. She could spend the whole day with him and get tired. He could see her smile. Better yet, he could _make_ her smile. He could spend his day drowning in luck just to be in her presence.

And I couldn't even get a movie in.

But that was just me being selfish… she could do whatever she wanted. And it made me anxious.

I wanted to tell her right then, that I hadn't gotten to do anything with her. She had been going over there daily, leaving me, leaving _us,_ with no time but the night, when she was asleep. I would tell her. I would tell her, _Bella, you've been going over there every day, not that that's a problem, but… I just want a little time with you. Because I love you so much, beautiful. And I just want a movie and a light, funny conversation with you. Is that ok?_

"Ok, that's fine… maybe another day," I said, instead.

Maybe the pain was written on my face because she caressed my cheek and quickly reassured me. "I'm sorry, Edward. We can do it tomorrow, I promise. I love you."

 _But Bella, you said that the last time…_

"It's fine, Bella. You're tired, you should get some sleep," I said, with my fake smile I had been wearing a lot lately.

We fidgeted around, finding a comfortable spot for her. And it didn't matter if I was the slightest bit comfortable, my goal in the eternal life, was to make _her_ comfortable. To make _her_ happy.

 _But what about_ my _happiness?_

My happiness? That was laughable. And if I made her happy, I would be happy. I was sure of it.

I didn't need to be so selfish.

* * *

"Whoever it was left a stink," the dog said indifferently, "we can take it over from here."

"We don't need you taking anything over… or anyone," I retorted.

"I don't give a shit what _you_ need – "

"Stop! I'm tired of all this arguing, it's pointless! From now on I'm Switzerland," Bella said fiercely.

Of course. He had been trying to get a rise out of me, why had I not seen that? Why had I not realized that? How foolish of me. Here Bella is, under the stress of being a target and I'm making her life harder by arguing with this kid.

"I'm sorry, Bella," I said to her, when Jacob was out of earshot.

"It's fine. It's just… let's just focus on what's important now," she said smiling at me, and leaned in for a peck.

"Do you still want to go see a movie? You know, that move that you wanted to see is out… we could go eat after?" I said, smiling.

" _Of course, Edward! I would love to, let me just change my shirt and we can go right now!"_

That's what the selfish part of me was expecting. And to an extent… that's what I was expecting it too. She had promised me, after all.

But instead, her smile vanished and she stuttered, looking for words.

"Come on, Bells. We don't got all day, and they're about to start!" I turned to look at Jacob, who was still here for whatever reason. Obviously to collet Bella… who had broken her promise.

She looked back to me and quickly searched for words, seeing the pain on my face. "It's just, I'm not gonna be… _here_ much longer you know? And – and Jacob's dad invited me to a party down at the res and Charlie's coming too, and…"

For some reason, having her explain it to me just twisted the knife. She was going to be with someone who loved her, who her dad adored.

And I would never get that…

 _Bella you promised and I just want one day with you… I miss you. Don't I get time with you?_

But I couldn't say that… how selfish of me.

"Oh… oh it's fine," I chuckled, trying to reassure her. She saw right through me though. "Go. Have fun," I said, kissing her on the lips.

"I…" she stuttered, trying to make it up to me with her words. "Edward, I'm so –"

" _Bells!_ "

' _Sorry'_ … it seemed like she had been saying that a lot lately.

"Bye," I whispered, lightly pushing her to go.

Because if I was being truthful, I didn't want to be around her right now.

She walked away slowly, after staring at me for a second. I watched her. I watched every stride in her walk and waited until she was out of my sight. And when the red, old car was racing down the street, I stared right back at her as she watched me back.

But I swallowed my pride, and turned to walk to my car that should have had two people in it right now. I walked and put my happiness aside for hers.

It made me a little less of the selfish monster I was.

* * *

"So what, you want him to carry her around the forest?" I asked in disbelief.

I don't know what Jasper was trying to do to me, but it was quickly getting angry. My own brother putting the girl I love in the arms of a different man. My own brother.

"Edward, if this works then they won't have a clue as to where she is. She'll be perfectly safe, and we might end it faster," Jasper said, sending waves of calm towards me. How unfair.

"Huh… leeches against leeches, you don't see that every day," Jacob, who was half naked might I add, joked. But Jasper wasn't one to take things like that.

Jasper quickly stepped in his line of walk and grabbed him by the shoulder growling about how if he ever talked about his Alice like that again then it wouldn't end well for him and stuff like that. And I felt the warmth slip from my hand as Bella sped over to put her hand on Jacob's shoulder and looked at Jasper.

"Jasper..."

After torturous seconds of silence from them and shock and hurt from me we moved on. She had just ran to _his_ rescue after _he_ called my family leeches… again.

My mind wandered to the other night, when we had an argument over me calling him a dog. Suddenly, I didn't want to hold her hand much less walk by her. So when she tried to grab my hand, I over swung it out of her reach subtly.

But when I saw her out of the corner of my eye, looking at me with confusion and then realization, I became aware of how… _selfish_ I was being. And I grabbed her hand. Even though it all felt wrong.

Her _Happiness._ Her _Happiness._ Her _happiness._

It was the only mantra I had to get me through the pain.

* * *

Her warm hand held mine tightly, as I led her up the stairs. I could feel adrenaline everywhere, and if I could, my shirt would have been soaked with sweat. The weighted of the ring felt like anything beyond my strength.

She chuckled in disbelief when she saw the bed, "Wow… Edward, you didn't have to get that. The couch would have sufficed."

"Well… I just thought maybe you'd be more comfortable on a bed. Plus there's more room from us both to fit," I smiled sheepishly.

"Well in that case, thank you," she laughed and kissed me, holding it for a while.

When she turned around and placed her backpack on the ground, I awkwardly stood there, wondering how in the world I could do this. How did I know she'd say yes when all she's been saying is no to everything I propose?

I had been thinking too much about this. Letting my selfish side get in the way of making her happy. but I couldn't deny that everything that part of me felt was so right. She and I weren't the same as we had been the first two months of my return. She had been with him nearly every day, and if she wasn't she was too tired or too sore from the day with him before.

It was all wrong. And a part of me didn't even know why I was about to do this.

I cleared my throat and sat by her on the golden bed and looked her in the eyes.

 _Here goes nothing…_

"Bella?"

"Yes?" she answered back, with curiosity in her eyes.

"I want to talk to you…" I didn't know if I wanted to bring up her absence from my life or if I just got on to the point. I didn't know if I should have been doing this or not. I didn't know what was going on. And that was just wrong.

"Of course. What is it?" she said, the curiosity now replaced with concern.

Clearing my throat, I poured my heart.

"I love you. I love you more than anything and I… I want to spend the rest of eternity with you," I couldn't look her in the eyes, "And… I don't know what's in store for us… I'm not sure what will happen with Victoria or the Volturi or anything else, to be honest. But I'm sure, I've never been so sure of this. I'm sure that I want, no _need,_ you for the longest time possible."

It seemed as though she knew what was coming. And despite, her frown and the anxiety it put in me, I continued.

"I want to be more than a boyfriend. I want to let people know that we belong to each other and I want to be your husband. I want to marry you, Bella," I said. I looked in her eyes and looked for _something_ to give me a hint as to what she was thinking. But she didn't give away anything.

We had been over this. I knew she was reluctant. Maybe I should have given her more time. Maybe I should have asked her father first or asked Alice for advice. This was wrong. How could I push her like this? How could I be so selfish?

"Edward, you know I love you. You know that I want nothing else but you…" she spoke.

And she kept going. She kept talking, but I didn't hear any of it. Because she was saying no. And more than that…

I _didn't_ know…

I wasn't sure if she wanted me or him. I didn't know how much she loved me because I she hadn't showed me in the longest time. I didn't know if she wanted to spend her life with me. I didn't know what they did together. I didn't know anything anymore…

All this time I was trying to get her back, she was pushing me away. And I didn't know if she was doing it intentionally or not. I tried so hard and I gave everything. I gave and gave and gave and received nothing but 'maybe tomorrow' or 'I'm sorry, I'm just tired'. Broken promises, and a broken heart. That's what I was given.

"I understand, Bella. Maybe we could later," I whispered.

She heard the pain in my voice. Because the truth was, no amount of effort could hide this amount of pain. Rejection, apologizes and words that didn't even mean anything anymore.

It was fucked up.

"Edward…" she whispered, her eyes welled with tears.

And I did it again. I made her cry. I pushed her too far. How much longer until I learned from my mistakes.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I – I didn't mean to pressure you. I'm sorry, love. I –"

"Edward, shush… I love you. Edward, I love you more than anything and you are the man I want to spend the rest of my entire life with. I'm sure of it," she said.

Yet when she kissed me and held me in her arms; despite the fact that we spent the night kissing and laughing and talking.

I didn't believe her.

How selfish, right?

* * *

The wind slapped my face and whipped my hair back and I ran as fast as I could. I looked for something, anything, that would give me a clue on how to carry on. I didn't care if it was a rock. I need something. I need guidance because I had clue how much longer I could stand it.

And how dare I? How dare I put myself in front of the woman that I loved? The woman who supposedly loved me right back just as much. She meant the world to me. I loved that girl with every fiber of my being. I just wanted to make her happy. I wanted her to want me. I wanted to be right for her.

And even though, after talking to her and finally getting her to agree to marry me I never would. I never would be able to have kids with her. I'd never get the chance to get old and grow grey hair with her. I would never be able to get her father to like me, no matter how bad I wanted it. Who was I kidding? I couldn't take her to the damn movies and eat with her after.

I was stuck in this life. And I had to watch both of them in that tent. I had to watch as _my_ girl was held by someone else. I had to watch as _he_ warmed her up. I had to watch as they both grew up and lived while I was stuck like this.

My fist found a tree, making it fall over the crash sending birds fly. A boulder next. And then another tree. My head. I was a ticking time bomb. And yet, I still begged for her to return my love.

How selfish.

* * *

I returned a little after she had woken up. She walked out in her plaid shirt and jeans and my heart filled with joy of simply being in her presence.

"Hey," I smiled, pulling her in for a hug that was reciprocated. A kiss that returned as much passion as I had given.

 _Finally…_

"I'm so sorry about last night… I know that must have been hard for you," she said shaking her head.

"It's fine. It's over, and we have something bigger to focus on," I said, happily.

 _Ugh, get a room, leech._

It was a breaking point for me. I was tired of being called leech with no consequences for him. I was tired of him stealing my girl. She was mine and he would soon realize that. She loved me.

"…Mrs. Cullen."

A laugh from her, a kiss for me and a moment of silence from him. Until I heard his harsh footsteps racing down here.

He just couldn't accept it.

"You're marrying him?" he growled. And it all went downhill. Her smile vanished, and she had a look on her face like she had just been caught. But why? Why? Why was she so ashamed of being with me?

I didn't understand any of it.

"Jacob, I –"

She didn't get to finish, as he walked away. And like always, it was on me. It was always on me.

"You knew he was listening," she shouted at me. I couldn't do or say anything besides stand there in embarrassment.

But I was tired of all of it. I was tired of being abandoned. I was tired of her running to him and ignoring my feelings. So when she ran after him, I gently grabbed her arm, trying, pleading with her to stay.

I was tired of being let down.

And how selfish was that?

"Don't," she said, snatching her arm away. Like I was a monster.

"Fuck," I whispered.

Holding my place, I stood still and listened. And, God, after listening I wished I hadn't.

 _Don't go. What can I do to make you stay. What do you want me to say? Please, Jacob… Kiss me._

I flinched. She didn't say that. I know she didn't. She would never do that. I knew her. I loved her. I loved her more than anything, and if she did it I don't know what I would do. I don't know what I would feel.

But she did say it. She demanded it. And I watched, drowning in self torture, as he walked over to the woman whose lips had only touched mine and grabbed her by the waist. And I pleaded silently for her to tell him to back up. I waited for it to come. But instead I got none of that.

I got a clear image of them. Kissing. Touching. Her hands in his hair, kissing him back, eagerly. Passionately.

My chest burst with something I had never felt before. My eyes stung. A sob erupted from my chest and suddenly I felt like my legs were weak. I watched, heartbroken, as the woman I loved, pour her own love for someone else. I watched my own nightmare play out right before me. I _lived_ it.

Finally, after ages, they parted. And after some exchanged words, he was gone. And she was coming back to me. And all I could feel was rage.

Rage. Rage, because I spent day and night trying to get her to return the love I had given. Rage, because how _dare_ she take my heart and accept my proposal and then stomp on everything in just a few minutes. How dare she neglect me and then have the audacity to say that _I'm_ the man she wants. How dare she lie to me.

I occupied myself, by putting the tent down and ignored Seth's pity stares. I cleaned the place, spotless. And I ignored the brown eyes that were boring into my head.

I wouldn't set myself up for heartbreak anymore.

"Edward," she whispered.

But I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of a reply today.

Because for once I didn't care how selfish I was being.

* * *

It had been a week since her ultimate betrayal. A week since she got a ride from Alice despite her breathless and tearful pleas to talk. A week, in which she has called and texted me more than all the calls and texts she's sent me combined. A week that I've been in my room, ignoring the knocks at my door.

And unfortunately, a week since I had fed. And it seemed like that was the one thing I needed right now.

Slowly, after thinking about it for some time, I got up and opened my glass door, exposing my room to the smell of tress and rain and grass.

Sighing, "I'm going hunting." Just above a whisper to reassure my family.

I ran as fast as my legs would take me and watched as the tress zoomed past me. I searched for mountain lions, feeling the agony as it reminded me of her little joke about eating them on a date.

I though the fact that she insisted we would go on a date more of a joke.

I feasted on three lions, before getting full and sitting of the mountain I was on.

I was hurt. I had my heart stolen and ripped multiple times by her. I had to pull nails just to get her to even consider marrying me. The one thing I ever asked from her, she was so reluctant to give. And even when she did; when I put that ring on her, she completely ripped me again and stomped on my heart when she kissed him.

I was hurt because she could sit there and tolerate ever name he called me family. The family that she said was her second family. And yet, when I call him a dog once in a while she berates me.

I felt there was so much to say. Every single time I told myself I would talk to her about it, I found myself pushing my own needs and sadness aside to accommodate her, getting nothing in return.

Because how selfish would that be?

* * *

I stared at the image of me and her on my phone. She was calling, yet again. I was ready to talk to her. I was ready to say everything that I had pushed aside. I was ready to tell her that she needed to choose.

I cleared my throat and slid the answer button to the right and raised it to my ear.

I heard her gasp of acknowledgment, when she realized that I answered. But I wouldn't say anything. I would be the one to comfort her again.

"Edward?"

"…Yeah, it's me." I said stoically.

It was silent for a while, the only indication that she was there was her sniffles.

"Edward," she sobbed, "let me talk to you, please. Let me explain everything."

Fifteen minutes later, I was standing, calming myself down before I knocked on her door. She talked me into meeting with her, where we were going I had no idea. Slowly, I walked to her door and knocked softly three times. I silently hoped that she wasn't home, because I wasn't so sure if I was ready.

The unlocking of the door made me stiffen and I put my head down not wanting to look at her. Because I was absolutely sure that once I saw her, the walls I built would be crumbled.

"Hey." When she realized she wasn't going to get a reply from me, she continued, "Um, can we go somewhere? My dad is here with… um, with Billy."

Of course. Cause everyone just loved the Blacks.

The drive to our meadow was spent in an uncomfortable dead silence and once we arrived at the trail, I got out of the car. Like always, it required a ride on my back for Bella. And when she hopped on I tried my best to ignore the comfort I found in her warmth. With her hands on my chest, her legs wrapped around me and her cheek in the crook of my neck.

And I thanked the superior beings above of when we finally entered our meadow. I put her down gently in the middle and sat down across from her and sighed.

We sat in a silence before she finally spoke.

"Edward, I – I… please, just tell me everything you want to say."

This was the moment I had been dreading and waiting for at the same time. Everything I wanted to say would be out now. And so after minutes of silence I explained.

"I'm not sure you want me anymore," I said, causing her to gasp. "You've betrayed me multiple times, and I get that… I get that I left you and he put you back together. I hate it, but I've accepted it."

She sat still and silent.

"But it angers me. It angers me how you can allow him to call me and my family every name in the book and laugh and shrug it off. But when I call him a dog, you physically flinch. He can do anything wrong, and you still go back to him minutes later."

"I can't tell him what to do, Edward. I can't control him."

"But you can stop encouraging him! Every single time you go back to him without giving him any consequences, every time you brush what he does under the rug, you encourage him! You make him think that he'll get you one day… you make _me_ think he'll get you."

"You think I'd just drop you and run into his arms?" she asked shocked.

"Bella, I don't know anymore! You never make time for me, you never consider my feelings! It's always about protecting him!" _Deep breath._ "You need to choose," I whispered.

Her back straightened, and I saw the anger in her eyes.

"Oh no. You don't get to make me do that, Edward. You left me! You left me and he was the one to help me heal! You can't make me choose."

I sighed and got up pacing. Trying to find the words, to make her understand my side of this. She got up as well, standing with her hands across her chest.

"I took me everything, to get you to say yes. To get you to say yes marrying me. And then the very next day you walk all over it and me and kiss him. You neglected me, promised me things, only to cancel at the snap of Jacob's fingers." I raked my fingers through my hair, "It makes me wonder if you really want to marry me, or if you just like the idea of becoming a vampire."

"Me and Jacob are friends, Edward! That's all we'll ever be!" she shouted.

"You don't act like it! You kissed him for Christ's sake! You spend all your time with him, and pushed me to the side," I said fiercely.

"You don't know what you're talking about, Edward! You've been alone for one-hundred years!"

I couldn't say anything. It was an insult. I didn't even know what to say. I didn't know what to do to make her see that she hurt me.

"So you wouldn't mind if I had a girl… a _friend_ , just like Jacob?"

And she took a second. No, she took more than a second and once she thought about what they had, she couldn't say a thing.

"Huh? Would you? Would you be okay, if I got a friend to make up for the time you don't give me? Would you be okay with watching me laugh with her and hug and nearly kiss?"

I waited for an answer. I _came_ here for answers.

"No," she whispered. "He's been such a good friend to me, Edward."

I put my head down when I realized that I wasn't getting through to her. "Then go with him. Go be with him and be happy, Bella." Panic crossed her face, and she looked at me with fear in her eyes, and I could see her twitching to walk to me. "You never think about my feelings anymore, anyway."

I watched as each tear streaked down her face, and saw the shame and regret on her face. She sucked in a deep breath and waited for her sobs to subside.

"I don't, and I will never love anyone like I love you, Edward. And I'm so so sorry that I made you doubt that…" Stepped towards me, making us only inches away. "You are everything to me. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

* * *

With my car parked in front of her drive way, I secretly wished she could stay. That everything could disappear and we could be in her bed cuddling right now. I wanted so desperately to be with her in every way. And my chest ached with the possibility that she could choose him.

She didn't get out right away. She sat for a while in silence, and turned to face me, grabbing my hand after some time.

"I just need you to know that I love you more than you could ever understand. And that… this is the easiest decision I've been forced to make." Did she already make her mind up? My breathing hitched thinking about it. "It will always be you, Edward. I love you, more than anything and I'm so sorry for everything."

I looked at her, in her eyes, searching for the truth and I found it. My anger dissipated instantly the second I saw her heartbroken face. I wanted to grab her and kiss it and tell her it was all alright. I wanted to thank her for choosing me.

She beat me to it when she leaned over the console and wrapped her hand around my neck, pulling me to her. Our foreheads pressed against each other and after a moment, our lips finally met in a kiss.

"I love her," she whispered, and I said the same thing right after. After another kiss on my lips, cheek, temple, and forehead, she finally got out.

She choose; because I made her. And she choose me. She choose our love over a friendship. Telling her everything felt like a weight was off my shoulder. I sighed in relief and emotional exhaustion. She chose me because I made her.

How selfish?


End file.
